Beginners : the first thing you got to do is buy a cigarette, its important coz u cant fucking learn to smoke when somebody is just giving you a puff or two. hold the cigarette btween your lips (filter first), dont bite on it - you don't want to squash the poor thing! now, take a light, preferably from a lighter (not a matchstick) as you are a beginner. now hold the light to the other end of the cigarette and lightly draw air into your mouth through the cigarette. make sure that the cigarette is properly lit before you take the light away. now put the lighter away and concentrate on your smoking.
the golden rules are:
1. do NOT fucking swallow. you want to hit your lungs, not your intestines!
2. do NOT waste the cigarette by just holding the smoke in your mouth and letting it out. its just a waste of smoke and you'll get a fucking throatache!
now let's get down to the actual process....
1. take a light puff, don't take a deep drag at first itself. you don't want to cough your heart out.
2. hold the smoke in your mouth and slowly inhale (through your mouth) you can take air from outside as well. don't try anything stupid and suffocate!
3. now you feel like something is bursting out of your lungs through your nose and mouth and most probably you'll be coughing your heart out anyways. don't worry, its common!
4. don't stop right then. go on to the next puff and the next till you finish your cigarette.
5. somewhere along the way, you'll feel that exceptionally beautiful feeling that is called
6. its different for different people. most probably at first, you'll feel as if a truck has hit you from behind. you'll have some difficulty keeping your eyes open. your blinking rate will increase, and there will be a tendency to lie down. follow your heart (that way, more nicotine will go to your head!)
7. ride the wave and somewhere along the way, you'll come to conflicting feelings such as "i will never smoke again", "i wanna smoke till i die", "i wanna fucking cigarette every single second of my life" and most important of all, "does smoking actually kill you?". these are all very common questions which do not have any common answer, except for the last one. it does actually kill you, but you're gonna die anyways. so why don't you enjoy the ride?
8. now you come to the most important feeling after smoking...."smoking gooooooood!!!!" that is what you're looking for!!!!
9. congratulations! you've now passed the beginner's course in "The Art of Smoking" you're well on your way to joining the s-gang. if you don't know what that means, you're not fucking qualified (translation: go fuck yourself!)
n.b. the most high-ranking members of the s-gang in trivandrum are none other than yours truly, g-man, kurupz, H, srk (tvm version), jasif, bichu and various members of the mechanical department of sct, pappanamcode!